When I came here they told me that I was lucky. I think that some might feel that way but I didn’t. Chained up here like a dog waiting for his master to return. Lucky! Lucky she said!
I didn’t feel lucky. I felt anger, sadness, numbness and guilt over something I could not control. I didn’t put the chains on but I sure would like to get them off.
Alas, that was a long time ago. It’s been over 36 years since that first visit to the hospital. The intravenous saline is no longer confining me to a bed and I can’t believe it but I am going to deliberately chain myself up all over again. The device will be a constant reminder that I have diabetes. Sometimes I get angry but I do feel lucky. I could have died that night but instead I got a diagnosis.
I have learned a lot from having diabetes about myself, and how to adapt to change. Change is scary! When I look back, I find even scarier the times I decide not to change my behavior, my environment or my thinking, out of fear.
I have stayed in pain out of fear of the unknown. Settled for the pain I knew. At least I knew what each day would bring. ‘Anything could happen if I change, maybe something worse’ my fear would tell me.
Nope, it wasn’t always smooth sailing but I found embracing change improved my life and my control around diabetes management.
Now as I was saying, I am going on intravenous insulin, an insulin pump. Being tied to a device that keeps me alive is a very scary thing. It may be bumpy, but change is good. More on this topic and ways of embracing one's feelings around change in my next blog.